Bile, Snark, and Sneer

John Edwards Named 'Unsexiest

Woman' by Maxim Magazine

Monday, March 24th 2008, 4:13 PM

Even when you are in Prada designer pumps and wrapped in the softest handmade silk, personal attacks still hurt more than a rumored run in your best fishnet hose.

So when so-called "faggot" and former presidential candidate John Edwards was branded the "Unsexiest Woman Alive" by a racy men’s magazine, he admits he burst into tears.

And so did his hairdresser, Joseph Nuevatort, known nationally as the hair stylist to the limp-wristed political set.

"I couldn't disagree more with Maxim.  I just spent over FOUR hours giving John a Japanese flat-iron hair treatment, followed by my personally giving him the finest in deep, deep conditioning.  I use only the best 'Something About Mary' brand lotions and conditioners.  I'm telling you, he has nice hair," the stylist lisped, speaking of Edwards in an interview. "I try to make the man feminine, sexy, younger looking, tighter- and these are the things, as an expert, that's what ladies like Edwards pay us to do."

"And this is the thanks I get for all that hard, hard work from those BITCHES at Maxim.  I could just scream," he sobbed.

With the signing of Edwards to replace the horse-faced Sarah Jessica Parker in the new and soon to be released "Sex in the City" movie, Edwards swished into the Daily News offices to tell of his hurt in an interview with our celebrity columnists.

"Am not.  I am NOT the unsexiest women in the world!  Look at that pedicure. Look at it- it's FLAWLESS.  Wow! This kind of yellow journalism- it's just kind of shocking..." he said.

His lip quivered as he dabbed at his ruined mascara with a frilly hanky.  "It's so brutal in a typically man's way, so filled with pointless rage and anger."

"Look at me.  Look at my fake boobs, the Botox in my forehead and all the collagen in my lips and chin," said Edwards. "After all that, don't I fit the ideals and standards of some guy writing in a men's magazine? I guess not."

"I want my mommy," he cried.

The offending poll, which put Edwards alongside Barney Frank, Jim McGreevey, Larry Craig and Mark Foley, went on to shred egos further: "How the hell did this empty-headed silky pony manage to be the least sexy broad in a group of the least sexy broads we could think of and STILL wind up with a movie deal to star on a show with 'sex' in the title?"

And that drove his boyfriends just wild. "It really upset all of them, because it has to do with their judgment in being seen with me," said Edwards.

"I may never get hit on in a decent gay bar again," he complained, seemingly oblivious to the fact that only MEN get hit on in gay bars. 

Despite the slap, Edwards should have the last laugh - all the way past the sperm bank. The actor will get nearly $25 million just to flash his smooth, dimpled end in the upcoming movie.

He will also earn more than all of the original "Sex & the City" stars combined in rumored lucrative sex-toy endorsement and gay porn advertising deals.

Steve Gobie for  Daily News Gossip

And then there's THIS asshole...

FROM the "you get what you pay for" files.  Why sell at $63 when you can listen to this PUTZ and ride the stock all the way down to 3 bucks?

AND that would be why THIS clown's advice is always frigging FREE-

because it's worthless.

Oops - CNBC's Cramer Said 'Don't Move' From Bear a Week Before Collapse.

“No! No! No! Bear Stearns is not in trouble. If anything, they’re more likely to be taken over. Don’t move your money from Bear.”

MR. ED: I WAS MCG AND

WIFE'S BARE-BACK RIDE

 

• THE MCGREEVEYS' "RIDE"

• SPITZER USED HOOKERS SINCE HE WAS 10 YEARS OLD: SOURCES
• I WAS MCG AND WIFE'S SECRET STABLE THRILL RIDE: MR. ED
• INSIDE THE MCGREEVEYS' STABLE
• MORE

March 17, 2008 -- A former equine TV star and aging palomino American Saddlebred quartered at the private stables owned by former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey yesterday made the bombshell claim that Dina Matos McGreevey must have always known of her husband's sexual appetites - because he was the horse in the bed with both of them.

In an explosive interview with The Post, the McGreeveys' self-professed horse in the canvass sling hanging above the bed, Mr. Ed, gave explicit details of bare-back riding followed by perverse sex romps that he claimed to have had with the now-divorcing duo, starting with "riding lessons" during their courtship and continuing with "breaking the bucking bronco" games throughout the marriage.

VOTE: Which one is the bigger whore- McGreevey or Spitzer?

PHOTOS: Electric winch and heavy-duty sling key for players in the Jim McGreevey Affair

Mr. Ed - who said he had already spilled the oats on the ménage a equus trysting under oath in a deposition for the couple's divorce battle - hinted that he thinks his huge, throbbing member was needed to get Jim's "teensy" wiener up for Dina.

Matos McGreevey's basic argument in her divorce war with the former gov is that her nickname "Catherine the Great" was just a random moniker and was unrelated to any alleged horse-slinging antics.  Matos claims her husband covered up his participation in a sexual three-ring circus and tricked her into their marriage.

Mr. Ed - who is now named in Matos McGreevey's court papers - agreed to talk about the unusual relationship he had with the McGreevey's after Dina went whinnying to the media last week about Eliot Spitzer's sex scandal.

"I normally wouldn't talk to anybody but Wilbur about this, but I was under oath and besides- they offered me a bunch of carrots.  This lady is just trying to trot herself right out into the middle of the Spitzer thing. It's frustrating to hear her call Gov. Spitzer a hypocrite when I happen to know she's riding around on a younger horse.  She broke my heart, of course, of course," said Mr. Ed.

"She left me hanging there- just a victim.  She was the one with the riding crop, and I was the one who had the bit in his mouth.  Well, anyway, I shared the bit with Jim- but I know she had complete control over what happened with the relationship," he said. "She was there, she knew what was happening, she held the winch remote in her hand and spurred me on to make the moves."

The trio's liaisons started after Mr. Ed was used for "riding and jumping lessons" for the couple as far back as when McGreevey was mayor of Woodbridge, NJ, the talking horse said.

VIEW FULL ARTICLE >PAGE 1 2 3 4 CONTINUE READING >

N.Y. / Region

Mrs. Spitzer Resigns, Citing Sexual Failings

By HASSAN CHOP and SINEAD O'CONNOR

Published: March 12, 2008

Silda Spitzer, reeling from revelations that her husband of more than 20 years, Governor Elliot Spitzer, had been patronizing prostitutes since their disappointing wedding night, announced her resignation today, becoming the only first lady of a New York governor to be forced to resign from both her position and her marriage.

Mrs. Spitzer, sobbing and with her long-suffering husband at her side, said her resignation is to be effective immediately, and that an 18 year-old porn star featured at the local VIP Lounge and strip club in Manhattan would be sworn in to replace her.  Mrs. Spitzer did not say when Ms. Cherry Swallows would be sworn in, however.

“I am deeply sorry that I was not able to live up to what my husband expected of me,” she said. “I tried.  Oh, my God, I did try.  But it was just too physically demanding- and really just too disgusting.  For that awful failing on my part- for forcing my poor, sick, perverted husband to go to 5,000 dollar an hour call-girls to fulfill his warped, twisted needs for the past 20 years, I sincerely apologize.”

“Over the course of my married life, I have insisted — I believe correctly — that women married to powerful men in high governmental positions must go the extra mile to perform their wifely duties,” she added. “I acknowledge my fundamental failings, and will ask no less of myself. For this reason, I am resigning from my marriage and from the position of first lady to the governor of New York State.”

Mrs. Spitzer is the first to resign from both her marriage and the position of first lady.  Previously, the wife of Governor Nelson A. Rockefeller was forced to resign as first lady in 1973, when she tragically compelled her husband to seek solace in the arms of his mistress.  In 1913, the wife of then Governor William Sulzer was impeached and removed from her post in a scandal that exploded over her failure to properly launder and conceal her husband's bribe money.

In a brief statement given in the Rumpus Room of the VIP Lounge in Manhattan, Mrs. Spitzer thanked her family for offering support and compassion, and said she had spent the last several days in a desperate effort to acquaint herself with the various positions and mechanical devices her husband needed to climax, but had injured her ankle after falling off a trapeze during an attempt at double penetration using a couple of 18 inch dildos attached to pneumatic hammer-drills.

Mrs. Spitzer ended the speech by saying she would commit Hara-Kiri to atone for her failings, and then limped off without taking questions.

“As I leave this life, I will first do what I need to do to help and heal my family,” she said. “I will try once again to serve the common good by donating my entire body to science in an effort to discover what is wrong with me in the hope that someday there will be a cure for female self-esteem and unwillingness to suffer degradation to satisfy one's husband.”

In the moments after Mrs. Spitzer resigned, her successor, Ms. Cherry Swallows, also released a statement saying that she was “saddened” by what had happened and that she was "available for golden showers, DP work, bestiality and the five-way Dirty Sanchez thing Elliot likes with the rocking chair, midgets and the ceiling fan.”

“It is now time for me to blow this clambake- if you'll pardon the expression- and get back to humping this guy for my five-grand an hour stipend,” she said.

Sheldon Silver, the Assembly speaker, said today that it was Mrs. Spitzer's fault that her husband was now exposed to possible criminal liability and that in preparation for a possible jail stint, Elliot would be taking the name of the new first lady and be known henceforth as Elliot Swallows.  “It is now up to the governor to make a determination of what’s best for him. I hope you join me in saying a prayer for his children.” When asked what Mr. Silver thought was best for the Spitzer family, he replied, "there's always the chance Elliot will fall feet-first into a wood-chipper."

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Reporting was contributed by Iam Urbane, Sue A. G. Channell, Jo Jo Pecker, Puss Buttner, Night Confessions, Lisa F. Footfetish, Kat Hummer, B. J. Huges, Trymean Leetoo, Peter P. Peters, and Bill Rashbum.

The TRUTH hurts.

Really, REALLY hurts.

AND Ferraro kicks Obama's ASS. 

YUP.  About time SOMEBODY said it.  Why else the Obama FERVOR?  The guy's an empty suit with political positions to the left of the frigging UNIBOMBER.  Fact is, he's just light-skinned enough to be non-threatening to middle-America and just dark enough to still be considered black to the race-pimps like Al and Jesse.

Face it, folks- this is why the ELECTORAL COLLEGE was created.  We have bunch of people in this country obsessed with sweeping this callow, inexperienced, slick-talking, empty-headed, Stalinist  DEMAGOGUE into the presidency simply because they all think it would be so, SO COOL to elect a black man.

HOW about you DEMS just cut the RACE and SEX quota bullshit and run somebody QUALIFIED for the office? 

Oh, yeah- forgot.  Sorry...

Geraldine Ferraro let her emotions do the talking, now people are talking! - The Daily Breeze.

"If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position," she continued. "And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept." Ferraro does not buy the notion of Obama as the great reconciler.

THE biggest DOUCHE in the universe.

KNOWN in some quarters as "Elliot Ness" for his rabid prosecutorial zeal, this clown also took down- get this- a couple of PROSTITUTION RINGS.

I guess that's how the "Crusader of the Year" knew where to find the girls.

'LAW & ORDER' all the way, right Elliot?

All the way to the WHOREHOUSE, that is...

Spitzer to Resign Following Reports of 'Involvement' With Prostitution Ring, Indictment - Politics | Republican Party | Democratic Party | Political Spectrum.

New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer is expected to submit his resignation to the New York General Assembly Monday night after allegations surfaced earlier in the day that he is "Client 9," named in a federal prostitution case. Four arrests were made last week in connection to the alleged high-dollar ring, known as the Emperors Club VIP. According to a law enforcement official, Spitzer was named in court papers as a client after being taped arranging a meeting with one of the prostitutes.

TV & showbiz

Tragedy Strikes as actor Robert

Downey Jr 'blacks up' for new film

Last updated at 17:38pm on 10th March 2008

Few could argue with the fact that Robert Downey, Jr., had in the past exercised questionable judgment in agreeing to appear in controversial roles.

But his latest effort was a step too far - the actor donned shoe-polish and a bad wig to play a rather unconvincing looking black man in a new Hollywood film starring so-called 'comic' actor Ben Stiller.

In one of his last photos, a still from the film Tropic Thunder, Downey is shown shuffling, eyes down, a respectful distance behind Ben Stiller and Jack Black.

With a Brillo-like hairpiece and shoe-black on his face, one would have thought he would never be taken for a real black man, but tragically, that was not the case.  While off the set but still in costume, Downey was grabbed, savagely beaten, and dragged behind a pickup truck until he was virtually unrecognizable as the 42-year-old star of stage and screen.

Downey had been playing an Oscar-winning actor taking on a role originally written for a black actor- rather than re-write the part, his character goes native and costumes himself like Gene Wilder in Silver Streak .

Clearing anticipating the danger, Downey had told a US magazine: "If I'm out wandering in redneck country dressed like this, I'm liable to get the shit kicked out of me. If you don't watch your back and do it right, you're going to hell."

But the backlash has clearly begun as one comment on a showbiz blog DavidDuke said: "If you dress up like a nigger, like as not when when some former Grand Wizard like me spots y'all, it's time you got Byrd-ed."

The film had centered around a group of pompous actors engaged in making the most expensive and tasteless war movie ever made.

The cast also includes Steve Coogan as James Earl Jones, Nick Nolte as Eddie Murphy and cameos from Tom Cruise and Tobey Maguire in fat-suits as a pair of jovial, black barbershop proprietors.

Stiller said Downey was "trying to push his luck as far as he could and just went over the top.  He became detached from reality," with the intent of satirizing African-American actors.

"I had no idea how violently people would respond to him," Stiller told the magazine. "But I should have known- at a recent screening, black viewers rioted and burned the theater," he said.

The film, Stiller's first as director since the appalling Zoolander, also sees his character adopt an Asian baby but worries "that all the virgins have gone."

Paramount is set to release 'Tropic Thunder' with a posthumous dedication to Downey in the U.S. on 15 August.

AND a cheery "Hello" from Columbus, Ohio, where the GLOBAL WARMING has turned the area into a TROPICAL PARADISE.

Midwest Cleans Up After Record Snowfall.

More than 20 inches of snow fell from Friday through Saturday at Columbus, eclipsing the city's previous record of 15.3 inches set in February 1910, the National Weather Service said. Elsewhere 14 inches fell at Milan, Ind. Up to a foot fell in parts of Kentucky, Tennessee and Arkansas on Friday.

March 09, 2008

WJC: Like My Penis,

Clinton/Obama Would Be An

"Unstoppable Force"

NBC/NJ's busty Mary M. Meme is reporting that Bill Clinton said during a morning swimsuit interview that he would be open to doing whatever "in depth" work with Michelle Obama that would be required to convince her to back a joint ticket with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. The former President said he was more than willing "to show her the ins and outs- whether from above, below or behind" of the benefits of a "close association" with the Clintons.  Bill Clinton didn't specify who would be in what position during the 'convincing,' however.

"Michelle's some foxy, chocolate babe, and I know that she has always been open to it, because like me, she believes that if you can unite people, the energy you get from putting people together over and over can just be, er, overwhelming.  Between her thingy and 'little' Bill Clinton- well, if you had those two together it'd be pretty hard to beat," he said in response to a voter question during a Hillary event at a Black Mass celebration that was held on the Gulf Coast of Mississippi.

More: "I mean you look at the, you look at the, you look at Michelle's dimpled knees, her well- turned calfes, the slim ankles. And then you look at my wife's wrinkled face and and sagging a -- well that's not a fair comparison because I know Hillary and every icky place on her. But in terms of the election, you look at most of these places, Barack would win among the illiterate and uninformed in the urban areas, pull heavy with the socialist and the communist upscale voters, and Hillary wins with the Satanists and in the traditional rural areas where everybody's married to their sister. If you put those two things together, it'd be just like 'little' Bill- you'd have an unstoppable force."

"Y'all got a real nice set there, Mary- how about a ride in my limo?"

Posted at 12:31 PM

---

Comments

Why can't Bill just jerk off like everybody else does ?

Benjy | 03.09.08 01:10 PM

FIRST they came for the hawks...

WHAT a total, COMPLETE dick.

They should bury this miserable fuck up to his pencil neck in a sand trap and smack golf balls at HIS frigging face until the eyes pop out of his obviously empty skull.

Boing Boing.

After the hawk moved within about 75 yards and perched in a tall pine tree, Isenhour allegedly said: “I’ll get him now” and aimed for the hawk. “About the sixth ball came very near the bird’s head, and (Isenhour) was very excited that it was so close,” officer Brian Baine of the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, wrote in a report. According to witnesses, Isenhour hit the hawk a few shots later. The bird, protected as a migratory species, fell to the ground bleeding from both nostrils.

March 08, 2008
Read More: New York Times

McCain clashes with NYT reporter

John McCain became slightly hostile with the N.Y. Times' Maureen Dowd on his campaign plane today, and clubbed the bitch to death in front of a cheering crowd after the reporter sniped at him about the 2004 meeting with Sen. John F. Kerry, during which McCain was offered a VP slot. (Click here for audio clip of the thwacking and screeching, courtesy of Breitbart.tv)

Dowd, who took over the official 'beat McCain' push for the Times from the senile Helen Thomas last month, just wouldn't stop flicking her forked tongue and demanding why McCain didn't take the offer, "so we wouldn't be suffering under that idiot Bush."  McCain, whose temper does flare up a bit at times, told Dowd to stop hissing and back down or he'd beat her skanky, scaly ass with a golf club.  Dowd continued in her questioning, resulting in her violent death, which was celebrated by onlookers with hoots, cheering and the occasional handful of confetti.

UPDATE: Readers have fairly noted McCain's reaction isn't exactly unjustified, which I wrote before audio and video were available. I have since amended the introductory paragraph.  I suppose it would be more accurate to say he became justifiably irritated at intrusive vermin and damaged a perfectly good 5-Iron.

Partial transcript:

Dowd: Trusssst in me, just in me, Senator.  Look deep into my eyes.  I want to assssk you once again about Senator Kerry.

John McCain: I just told you.  Everybody knows that I had that conversation with Kerry.

Dowd: Sssssure.  Let me come jussst a little closer, okay?

McCain: - Hey- lower your hood,  stop flicking that tongue and back up-

Dowd: Sssssure.  Trusssst in me, just in me-

McCain: That's it- you see this?  See this?  BACK UP NOW.  NOW-  I mean it- STOP!

Dowd: OW!  OW!  Ssssshit!  OW!  Ssssstop!  AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

McCain: You knew I'd do it. You knew it.

Dowd: Ack.  [cough]  I can't feel my legs.....

McCain: I don’t know what you thought you were [sound obscured by wild cheering and applause].

By Michael Calderone 02:18 PM

Clinton Hints At Sharing Bed With Obama

Hillary On 'Early Show': 'Of Course We Have To Decide Who's On Top'

Campaign '08 Complete Coverage

Campaign '08 Delegate Tracker

Mar 5, 2008 12:36 pm US/Eastern

North Carolina (ABC) ― Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton hinted at the possibility of a Democratic "dream date" with Sen. Barack Obama.

Speaking on "The Early Show" on CBS, Clinton said "I may have to give him head to get the VP spot, and of course then we have to decide who is on the top.  Of the ticket.  On top of the ticket."

Clinton said the thought of the inter-racial sex between her and Obama remains "incredibly exciting" to her, since there are just "smidgens of difference" between the whites and, well- black people.

Clinton's remarks came after her campaign continued to tank even after winning two big states yesterday: Ohio and Texas. While also winning Rhode Island, Clinton finds herself facing close to insurmountable odds given the Obama lead in delegates.

Speaking later on "The Early Show," Obama congratulated Clinton on her victories while maintaining he wouldn't "do the bitch even if I had a white man's teeny dick," and that he was about to wrap up the Democratic nomination.

"I don't need no more ho's, y'all.  Feel me.  We gots the delegates," Obama said. Obama also said if Hillary was any good in bed, Bill wouldn't be out there "fuckin' all them pigs, yo."  The Obama campaign has won nearly twice as many states as Clinton as well as a greater share of the popular vote.

(© MMVIII, ABC Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.)

ONLY the dumbest damn thing I've ever seen.

'Cause the whole point of the FREE SPEECH thing is to run the risk of getting your ass shot off at the fucking airport, right?

What a frigging IMBECILE:

Boing Boing.

MAKE: blogger Phil Torrone was spotted at O'Reilly's Emerging Technology Conference today carrying this handsome Guardian Angel bag by Vlieger & Vandam. It's Phil's carry-on. Fortunately, he made it through security with enough time to catch his flight. Vlieger & Vandam also offers a smaller bag that features a knife form.

Or a Plan C, D, E, F or G, for that matter...

AND don't let the swinging doors hit your fat ass on the way out of the freakin' room.

The non-entity gets to slink off into the anonymity he so richly deserves, as Huckabee takes the money and runs- away.

Having stayed in just long enough to jack around McCain and maybe make a few bucks, of course.

I wonder what "expenses" will be paid and what "charities" will be the recipient of his LARGESS?

It's a great country, ain't it?

Huckabee bows to 'inevitable,' ends GOP run - CNN.com.

"It's been a heckuva run," he said. Huckabee urged his supporters to back McCain in November and said he has no "Plan B" for his political career.

FOXNEWS.COM HOME > ENTERTAINMENT

Heavier Lisa Marie Presley Sparks

Rumors

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

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Images of an elephantine Lisa Marie Presley- looking more like her father was Ted Kennedy, rather than Elvis- were captured by a paparazzo last weekend at The Grove's all-you-can-eat buffet in Los Angeles.

The 40-year-old singer, whose ex-husbands include Nicolas Cage and Michael Jackson, is rumored to have completely consumed fourth husband Michael Lockwood when the unfortunate man inadvertently allowed his hands and feet to come too close to her mouth at a recent local barbecue, which might explain a small part of the enormous weight gain.

Click here to see a photo and to read more in the New York Daily News

Elvis Presley, known the world over as "The King," died of a heart attack at 42, just two years older than Lisa Marie is now.  At he time of his death, Elvis weighed in at 250 pounds, a tiny fraction of Lisa Marie's present poundage.

See Next Story in Entertainment 

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AND the STEVE GLASS award of the day goes to:

This FABULIST, who somehow figured nobody would catch on to her line of utter BULLSHIT. 

I guess she wanted her name up in lights right next to JANET COOKE.

At least the story broke before the bitch started hawking her MILLION LITTLE LIES crap on OPRAH:

Author admits acclaimed memoir is fantasy - International Herald Tribune.

Margaret B. Jones is a pseudonym for Margaret Seltzer, who is all white and grew up in the well-to-do Sherman Oaks section of Los Angeles, in the San Fernando Valley, with her biological family. She graduated from the Campbell Hall School, a private Episcopal day school in the North Hollywood neighborhood. She has never lived with a foster family, nor did she run drugs for any gang members. Nor did she graduate from the University of Oregon, as she had claimed.

Quote of the day.

FACE it, babe- if you were 150 years old and you had worked 80 hour weeks until your retirement at 145 you STILL couldn't have earned THOSE frigging wrinkles.

I would have figured SATAN would have been a little kinder to one of his more lofty MINIONS.

Political Radar: Clinton: I Have Earned Every Wrinkle.

"Granted, I am a little older and I have earned every wrinkle on my face and I feel just as energized about what we are doing," Clinton told a crowd of supporters on Monday in Austin.

And then there's THIS asshole...

'Cause a feminist needs a BRAIN like a fish needs a bicycle:

Stumping for Clinton, Steinem Says McCain's POW Cred Is Overrated | The New York Observer.

McCain was, in fact, a prisoner of war for around five and a half years, during which time he was tortured repeatedly. Referring to his time in captivity, Steinem said with bewilderment, “I mean, hello? This is supposed to be a qualification to be president? I don’t think so.”

Mark Foley Turned Down 'Insulting'

Offer to Be K-Y Spokesman

Monday, March 03, 2008

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Former Congressman Mark Foley turned down a $2 million offer to be the spokesman for K-Y Jelly, calling it a "f---ing insult" in the British edition of Boffin' Boyz magazine.

"Last week my male escort service called me and said, 'You've been offered an incredibly big deal. It's to be the, er- face of K-Y Jelly,'" Foley said in the interview. "I just said, 'Sorry, but that has to be a f---ing insult.  That sh-t doesn't work anywhere near as well as a handful of Vaseline.  I'd rather my boyfriend was using frigging axle grease than K-Y.  I mean, OWWWW!'"

Foley, a hypocritical, congressional page-chasing pervert, does admit in the magazine to using hand cream in a pinch, calling the left-over taste "no more unusual than regular toothpaste," and to wearing cork-soled platform shoes to show off his pedicure and to "appear taller."

He also says he put off marrying any of his boyfriends without a pre-nuptial agreement that would cover any future endorsement deals.

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The DUMBEST bitch on the face of the planet.

I've heard a lot of horseshit 9/11 conspiracy theories in the past few years, but THIS really takes the cake- I wonder if this is just some kind of FRENCH thing- maybe it's a tradition in France to BLOW YOUR HOUSE UP instead of wasting money on fixing the wiring:

Marion Cotillard 'in shock' over 9/11 row, but will not apologise - Times Online.

Cotillard said that the towers were destroyed not as part of a terrorist plot, but because it would have been too expensive to rewire them. She also reheated an old conspiracy theory about the 1969 moon landing never having happened.

/US

updated 5:19 a.m. EST, Mon March 3, 2008

Tour leader feeding lawyers to

sharks

• A lawyer died after being fed to a shark Saturday
• He was food for a cageless shark tour led by Abercrombie Fitch's company
• Bahamas Shark Feeding Association president says he implored Fitch to stop feeding the sharks with lawyers and to just use the homeless
• He says Fitch's practices endanger the reef fish and the environment
• Next Article in U.S. »

From Susan Anchovy, CNN

MIAMI, Florida (CNN) -- The leader of a "cageless" shark tour whose custom is to chum the water with chopped-up attorneys to attract the beasts for his patrons was warned that his practice of fouling the water with lawyer offal could lead to a citation for littering or even a ticket for violating the Environmental Control laws, a colleague said.

Mark Cheatum -- an unmarried British solicitor -- the latest lawyer to be waylaid and ground into fish attractant, died after being beaten with an oar and passed feet-first through a wood chipper before a dive led by Abercrombie Fitch's south Florida company.

Cheatum was last observed as a greasy, oily smear near a pack of frolicking sharks off the Bahamas, The Miami-Dade Sanitation Office said.

Holmes Watson, president of the Bahamas Shark Feeding Association, told CNN he has repeatedly implored Fitch to stop what Watson considered a ecological disaster: attracting large sharks for cageless shark dives by specifically feeding dangerous shark species with ground-up counsel.

"I hate to look like I'm coming down on the side of scumbags, and the attorney's family deserves no consideration at all- I mean, at least, God forbid, he was killed before he could breed, but I've always said we could see a major die-off of local marine wildlife because of this practice.  Sharks- they can eat a license plate or a truck tire and survive- but the reef fish will choke on that disgusting, pureed lawyer shit and just go belly-up and die.  It's not a matter of if, it's just when," he said.

Fitch did not return phone calls from CNN seeking comment. The shark dives are advertised on the Web site of his company, Fitch's Shark Diving and Lawyer Abatement.

"Fitch has been pulling in the big ones by thinning out the herd of shysters, and is a pioneer in feeding attorneys to the big exotics like tiger and great hammerhead sharks," the site proclaims. "No one can get you closer, or get you in on the feel-good photographic opportunity of your life!"

In shark-dive excursions, dead fish and fish entrails are usually used to attract the sharks and bring them close to the divers, but the really big man-eating sharks are more likely to come in when the water is ripe with the stench of ambulance-chaser.  Oddly, the sophisticated nose found on the average shark cannot distinguish between a dead human being and some lower form like a slime-eel, slug or even an attorney.  The cageless dives then put the divers and sharks in close proximity, without the need for a metal underwater cage protecting the diver, as all the affected sharks are still suffering from a case of acute indigestion.

Watson told CNN he also offers a cageless shark experience in the Bahamas, but feeds the sharks only "clean" meat like, say, black homeless people.  He does complain that he seems to attract only smaller, less dangerous species, however: Caribbean reef sharks, blacktip sharks, blacknose sharks, nurse sharks and Senator Robert Byrd.

Feeding sharks with black people has been banned in Florida since the Civil Rights Act of 1964, so dive operators like Watson now take customers out to Bahamian waters.

Watson said that he had sent a letter to members of the Shark Feeding Association in July 2007 urging them to stop chumming the cageless dives with the less desirable types of people, like lawyers, pollsters and used car salesman. He said he wrote the letter to everybody, even though Fitch is the only dive operator he knows of who chums the water with attorneys.

The letter read in part, "We recommend all operations immediately cease and desist conducting open-water baiting and/or chumming with attorney parts and/or entrails, whether for cageless or caged shark diving experiences, even though it may reduce the sightings of potentially dangerous sharks such as tiger sharks, bull sharks, hammerhead sharks, lemon sharks, and mako sharks. ... Purposeful feeding or interaction with these species through the use of lawyers or their by-products is highly discouraged."

Watson said the letter was copied to the Bahamas government, which he said has not yet commented on the practice.

Abercrombie Fitch did not respond, Watson said. 

All About Bahamas

"BITCH set me up."

Ya know, he should apologize- after all, MARION BARRY is so much more than JUST a crack addict- there's also the TAX EVASION, DRUNK DRIVING, and the ABJECT, BIGOTED, STUPIDITY:

Reporter apologizes for calling Marion Barry a 'crack addict' - On Deadline - USATODAY.com.

Last week, Tim Page sent the following e-mail message to Barry's office in response to an unsolicited press release: Must we hear about it every time this crack addict attempts to rehabilitate himself with some new -- and typically half-witted -- political grandstanding? I'd be grateful if you would take me off your mailing list. I cannot think of anything the useless marion barry [sic] could do that would interest me in the slightest, up to and including overdose.

He's got to be KIDDING.

A BRA?  Since when did this coked-up, alcoholic, TROLLOP start wearing a BRA?

AND speaking of UNDERGARMENTS, this babe could teach even BRITNEY SPEARS a thing or two about 'forgetting' her PANTIES.

Face it- this is the LEAST of her we've been subjected to in a long, LONG, time.

Lindsay Lohan Forgets Key Undergarment, Makes Man Cry - Celebrity Gossip | Entertainment News | Arts And Entertainment.

LOS ANGELES — Lindsay Lohan is now officially free from rehab, and it seems she's unofficially free from wearing a bra these days, too. The trying-not-to-be-bad girl was spotted out and about at L.A.'s You and Me restaurant last Thursday evening sporting a sexy see-through black dress and no cotton coverings for her "chilly" top half. Well, it seems like you can take the girl out of the naughtiness, but you can't take the naughtiness out of the girl…

Oh just pipe down. You'll get your IMPLANTS in a TWIST.

HERE'S a thought.  How about you DON'T make a PORN VIDEO with your boyfriend- that way you'll have SO much less to pretend to bitch and moan about while you're on your way to pose nude for frigging PLAYBOY with- get this- your STEP DAD in tow to 'watch' the shoot.

There's icky, and then there's ICKY. 

What a SKANK.

Kim Kardashian Blasts Sex Tape Beau in Purported Voicemail - Celebrity Gossip | Entertainment News | Arts And Entertainment.

"Why won’t you fucking answer my calls? I just want you to know you are so disgusting and so desperate," Kardashian says in the purported voice message to her ex-flame. "You know I’m going through some crazy shit right now but you won’t call me back — you are making things seem so suspicious. You are a sick human being; I don’t know who you think you are or what you think you’re doing."

HERE'S a great idea.

AND all this time, I thought BUCKWHEAT was dead.  Shows you what I know. 

SO, if this is how you talk to the black people who HELP YOU, just exactly how do you talk to the ones who DON'T support your election?  How do you REFER to blacks when there's nobody BLACK around to object? 

Let me take a wild guess...

Fury after La. lawmaker calls black supporter 'Buckwheat' - On Deadline - USATODAY.com.

Rep. Carla Blanchard Dartez said "Talk to you later, Buckwheat" at the end of a telephone conversation with a black woman who helped drive voters to the polls on Election Day.

HERE kitty, kitty...

AND today's DARWIN AWARD WINNER is...

A CAT door?  JEEZ.  A DOG door at least makes some sense- this dude must have been a real PIN HEAD- both figuratively and LITERALLY.

I guess he was just STUCK on her.

Yeah, I know- I'm going to hell for that...

Man Dies After Getting Stuck in Girlfriend’s Cat Door - Local News | News Articles | National News | US News.

The girlfriend of Charles Tucker Jr., 33, had reportedly kicked him out of her St. Augustine home. Hours later, she found the man stuck in the small door and called police. When they arrived four minutes later, the man was dead, News4Jax.com reported.

First they came for the PIGEONS.

THEY could just try SHOOTING the damn things- I never was found of SKY RATS.  Actually, it doesn't really surprise me any that some NYC clown wants to give pigeons BIRTH CONTROL pills. 

What shocks me is that nobody's pushing SEX ED or suggesting passing out little CONDOMS to passing birds.

NYC Taxpayers May Soon Be Funding 'Pigeon Czar'.

Pigeon enthusiast Albert Sima says the city should forget about plans to bring hawks and falcons to scare pigeons away. He says the city tried that before and it didn't work. What he likes is the councilman's proposal to put out pigeon feed that is packed with birth control.

I DID'NT do it.

I swear.  Really.  HONEST.

Does this mean I can't keep the HEAD in a jar on my mantel?

Body Found Burned, Beheaded Identified as Sex Offender - Local News | News Articles | National News | US News.

The body of Daniel Gene-Vincent Sorensen, 26, of River Rouge, was found about 9:30 a.m. Thursday at the end of the cul-de-sac by a township sewer and water department crew, according to the Free Press and The Detroit News. He was identified by the Michigan State Police through a fingerprint taken from his burned hand. The print also revealed Sorensen had been a registered sex offender in Illinois. Sorensen's head has not been found and a cause of death has not been released.

AND today's Darwin Award Winner is:

This SAP.

GOD, I love puns. 

Anyway, here's one more dude who won't be spreading his SEED around and adding any more BRANCHES to his family TREE. 

Good thing too- his kids would never have made it.  You know what they say about FALLING APPLES:

California Tree Trimmer Dies After Being Pulled Into Wood Chipper - Local News | News Articles | National News | US News.

TUSTIN, Calif. — An Orange County tree trimmer feeding branches into a wood chipper was pulled into the shredding machine and killed. The name of the worker is being withheld until relatives can be located.

KISS up time.

AND a big, BIG thank you goes out to our pals at COLORADO RIGHT and THE SKWIB for linking to us. 

Head on over and check 'em out.  It'll save us from having to send them the 20 bucks we promised.

We're REALLY cheap.

updated 8:24 a.m. EDT, Wed August 7, 2007

The worst way to shake a penis

By Senator Larry Craig

Editor's note: CNN.com has a business partnership with AirportMensroom.com, which serves as the exclusive provider of inside information, photographs, tapes and male escorts to the editorial staff at CNN.com.

(AirportMensroom.com) -- Have you ever had someone shake your penis and in the same instant, felt like he was using your member as a grip exerciser? Or, even worse, felt like they were holding you so loosely you had trouble even keeping it up?

Handjobs have been around since the birth of civilization. In fact, they were originally a way to break the ice with strangers when meeting someone new in the bath house, men's room or out on the open range. Nowadays, we mostly use handjobs in fleeting encounters at highway rest stops and airport bathrooms, but it's still a great way to meet, greet, offer oral sex, make a few bucks on the side or sometimes just to say, "What a handful!  Can I help you with that?"

No matter the daily or hourly excuse for your handjob, it should become a well-oiled part of your repertoire. Handjobs are a sign of trust- sometimes misplaced, I can tell you- but they can and do help build strong relationships: "The same time tomorrow?  You betcha."  Imagine meeting a well-groomed, well-dressed young man for the first time -- but when he holds your johnson, he's holding you so gingerly you feel like he thinks it's an infant's finger.  What a disappointment that can be, I can tell you.

Cruising men said they're much more likely to overlook scrotum piercings, genital warts and oozing sores than an ineffective handjob, according to a 2001 survey of San Francisco bath houses. Plus, when you properly perform a handjob with a stranger in the next stall, they're two times more likely to come back the next day than if you left them limp and unsatisfied, according to both my past experience and a study by the Incoming Center for Restroom Research.

The time has come to find out if your hand work is perfect, pathetic or just leaves 'em dangling. Barny Frank and Mark Foley, workplace hook-up experts and co-authors of "Help! Was That Supposed To Be A HANDJOB?" say it's time to trim your fingernails and start practicing.

10 nightmarish handjobs to avoid

To evade leaving unwanted finger impressions, losing a quick 20 buck business deal or simply embarrassing yourself by just letting Mr. Right slip away, take heed of Frank and Foley's 10 terrible handjobs to avoid:

The "Brokeback Cowboy"... is the boner-crunching clasp many rippling, buff, closet cases use to shake hands. What are they trying to do, anyway- make it THINNER? There's no need to demonstrate your physical strength when stroking another guy's wanker.

The "limp wrist"... is usually delivered by men who are afraid to "hurt the little guy" when rubbing the rhubarb.  Modern men expect their male liaisons to convey the same firmness they'd show their own male members.

The "dead hand"... has no grip. While there's no need to revert to the Brokeback Cowboy, a firm grasp is more pleasurable than one that barely rubs the shaft.

The "tourniquet"... is when the person's palm never meets your member, and instead he clasps you with one finger, cutting off your circulation.

The "Eskimo"... feels like you're in the grip of Old Man Winter himself. Warm up your damn hands first before grabbing someone's junk.

The "dirty palm"... needs no explanation- it's just GROSS.  Wash your hands before you do the next guy.

The "I'm afraid they might see me"... happens when the other person covers his hand with his OTHER hand while he's trying to jerk you off.  It sends the message he's embarrassed to be seen doing you in a public bathroom- definitely not cool.

The "I've Got You Now"... seems to go on forever because the guy won't take his hand away afterward. A few extra pumps after you're done, and it's time to let go. "It's a lot like a blow job -- you really know when it's over," Frank says.

The "ambi"... happens when the person uses the left hand to do you because the right hand is reaching under the other side of the stall.  While I can tell you that method is way more efficient, you'll eventually throw out your back. Always leave one hand free for more traditional meet and greets.

The "ring bearer"... happens when the dude's rings leave welts you-know-where. Try to limit the number of rings you wear to a couple- and watch out for those with sharp edges.

Three steps to a proper handjob

Some other things to get a grip on:

As you're approaching the man (or boy) of the hour, extend your arm when you're about three feet away. Keep your thumb pointing up as you go for it.

Lock your hand around his joint, then, firmly clasping the one-eyed worm, go to work -- without any heavy squeezing or macho crap.

Pump it until it dumps, then maybe two to three times more and let go.

Copyright AirportMensroom.com 2007. All rights reserved. The information contained in this article may not be published, broadcast or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority.

Don't TASE ME, dude!

BITCH, bitch, bitch.  Everybody's always complaining.  Hey- they HAD to TASE the old bag- I mean, the 82 year-old GRANDMOTHER was dangerously close to maybe DRIVING IN A FRIGGING NAIL.

JEEZ.  If this cop DIDN'T have the stun gun- what, he would have clubbed her?  Shot her?  What gives on the Chicago PD, anyway?

Chicago Police Tasered 82-Year-Old Woman.

CHICAGO (AP) - Chicago's Police Department is investigating an officer's use of a Taser last month on an 82-year-old woman who was swinging a hammer when police arrived. Officials with the city's Department on Aging went to Lillian Fletcher's home Oct. 29 to make a welfare check, and called police when they saw Fletcher in a window swinging a hammer back and forth, police spokeswoman Monique Bond said Tuesday. Officers arrived and in an attempt to subdue Fletcher one of them used their Taser, Bond said. The department is trying to determine if the officer violated department policy regarding the use of stun guns. [YA THINK? ED.]

AND then there's MICHAEL JACKSON.

GREAT cover shot, Mikey.  Stunning.  The schnoz looks great- new glue, maybe?

Anyway, in honor of your relentless effort to turn FOUR shades whiter than anybody I know while simultaneously morphing into DIANA ROSS, I figured I'd just WHIP THIS OUT for your anniversary:

Vanilla

It's Close To Midnight And Something Evil's Lurking In The Park
Under The Moonlight You See Him Groping Kiddies In The Dark
You Try To Scream But Michael Grabs The Tot Before You Make It
You Start To Freeze As His Nose Falls Off From Right Between His Eyes,
You're Paralyzed

[Chorus]
'Cause He's A Vanilla, Vanilla Perv
And You Gotta Grab Your Kid Or He'll Rape Your Son
You Know He's A Vanilla, Bleached Out Freak
You're Fighting For Your Kids Against A Vanilla, Chiller Tonight

[2nd Verse]
You Hear The Condom Snap And Realize There's Nowhere Left To Run
You Feel The KY Jelly And Wonder If You'll Ever See The Sun
You Close Your Eyes And Hope That He Sees Someone Younger
But All The While You Hear The Bleached One Creepin' Up
Behind
He's Lost His Mind

[Chorus]
'Cause He's A Vanilla, Vanilla Perv
There Ain't No Second Chance Against The Thing That Chases Boys
You Know He's A Vanilla, Bleached Out Freak
You're Fighting For Your Kids Against A Vanilla, Chiller Tonight

NJ voters to decide fate of 'Idiot'

requirement in Constitution

By DOM JESTER Jr. | Associated Press Writer

9:26 AM EDT, November 6, 2007

TRENTON, N.J. - New Jersey voters will decide today whether to ratify new phrasing in the state Constitution that clearly requires all people who are domiciled in the state to admit they are either "idiots" or "insane."

The new language, intended to modify the 1844 version of the Constitution, is aimed at barring New Jersey citizens from claiming they do not suffer from limited mental capacity, making the admission of disability a prerequisite at the local polls from now on if passed: "No one domiciled in New Jersey shall enjoy the right of suffrage lest they admit they are an idiot or insane person."

At least seven other states- notable among them Bill Clinton's Arkansas- as well as Iowa, Kentucky, Minnesota, Mississippi, New Mexico and Ohio- have the words "idiot" or "insane" in their constitutions to define their residents.

"The perception is still out there that a few of our citizens do not have any disability and can fully function- anyone who says they are normal, well, they can't be a participating member of the community," said Larry Daryl Daryl, a Brick resident who is a part-time village idiot and vole-catcher.

Kerry Stinson-Smythe-Smith, a Cinnaminson resident paralyzed from the neck up since moving to the so-called "Garden State," has talked with lawmakers about the need for the change in language.

"Idiot and insane, as well as being required just to drive through here, are perfectly descriptive and should be mandated for residency," he said.

The proposed change was sponsored by Senate